Of course, the big news of the day is, surprise! It's snowing. Welcome to Canada. Find all the updates on storm closures here. But while we wait to find out whether we're all DOOOOOOMED, (answer: "yes"), you can kill time by practicing being a Stoic Pioneer. For while a major snow hearkens back to blizzards on the endless prairie, being thrust back into the days of do-it-yourself medicine is what really stirs a latent frontiersman's soul. Don't get the flu. Don't get hypothermia. Stay home and read the Good Book by the fire. Discuss politics. Practice stitching your own wounds.

Barring that, here are our top picks for what's new and godless in Montreal this weekend.

FILM: Opening today is the new David Fincher film Zodiac, which should bring out a particularly rabid breed of fan. Also premiering is a Montreal-based documentary, Chez Schwartz, about the famed eatery.

FESTIVAL: White night indeed. Assuming you can shove your front door open, make sure you swing out to the Montreal Nuit Blanche, the High Lights' all-nighter starting Saturday night.

MUSIC: The combination of TV on the Radio and Subtle at Olympia ought to be memorable, but if you're feeling like breaking out of the indie rut, consider checking out the highly praised "Diva of Fado" Misia, at the Place-des-Arts.

TV: If the weather's really got you stuck, just stay in and watch a five-episode marathon of the new Montreal-based Leslie Neilsen show, Doctor*ology. Think Scrubs re-imagined by the Discovery Channel. Learn medicine from "Don't call me Shirley." Imagine that.
*Photo courtesy of w00kie

People's priorities get out of whack when they think about metal. It is not about CANNIBAL LUST. It is not about CUM-HUNGRY DEMON SPAWN. It is not even about hair. It is about SHREDDING. Awesome shredding. Ok, and a little bit about the hair.

Last night Dragonforce played the Metropolis with Killswitch Engage, Chimaira and He is Legend. They weren't even the headliner, but they were the only ones who counted for they and they alone have the power of the circle shred. You don't even know what that is, do you? BUT YOU WANT TO. And they have stage leaping. And SUCH GOOD HAIR. And kids, last night (I have to tell you this), I checked one of my lifegoals off my list.

I. Crowdsurfed. Dragonforce!!!

IS THIS AWESOME? (Y/N?)

Today, at Montreal police HQ, the wanted person of the day appears to be Mr. Potatohead, wanted in connection with six counts of sexual assault. How is this news? It's not news. There is no goddamn Montreal news. But an all-hipster bounty hunting death squad is news. So GO GET EM. No slouching! Hup hup hup!

Is February over yet?

The Montreal High Lights festival is soldiering on, bringing your entire monthly food budget in the form of sculpted croutons to the dinner tables of the city's gourmet elite. Nevertheless, don't forget to check for budget-y High Lights specials the next time you go out to eat.

And speaking of the starving artist crowd, flyposting is about to become strictly verboten on the streets of Ville-Marie. Granted, we're all trying to tidy things up around here, but what's the Plateau without event posters? I'll tell you what it is. A STRIP MALL.

Nevertheless, the people rejoice! To celebrate the "saving" of Park Ave., locals will be throwing a party this Saturday, at 7 PM. Check it out at the Realto Paradiso and revel in the power of the people. Meanwhile, we're still going to be in Afghanistan until 2009.

Speaking of roads with, um, names. There are presently 15 commemoratively named roads on the map, honoring feminists, nuns, and the first recorded black person in Canada. Unfortunately, these roads don't actually exist. Activism for the undead. Save the ghost roads! Jesus won't.

Montreal legend Ryan Larkin passed away at age 63, on February 14, 2007. He had recently been diagnosed with brain cancer.

The one-time Oscar nominee for the short animated film Walking, was perhaps best known as the subject of the Oscar-winning short animation Ryan, above. He was an artist who--perhaps--opted into poverty, despite being on the very brink of major commercial success. As late as last summer, he could be found panhandling or having a quiet drink in the Copacabana on St-Laurent.

He was very much a part of the Plateau neighborhood and, although perhaps it seems easy to say it, he'll be missed. Whether his story seems tragic or an inspiration, he was still a little piece of Montreal's magic. Rest in peace, Ryan.

Friday's top story wants you to know that the San Francisco queer community is pretty sure not all Montréalais are gay. Thought you'd like to know.

And speaking of those with hot butts (budda ching!), Montreal is installing 180 ashtrays outside of Metro stations. As a result, littering is about to become a prioritized and ticketable offense in Montreal. Yes, Montreal, you've been a dirty girl, and now the cops are after you. You're just like Thelma and Louise! And I'd drive over a cliff with you any day.

Meanwhile, as the Shriner's threaten to leave us, the Vachibou has just arrived... and not everyone's keen about it. Half cow, half caribou, the sculpture gift from France representing the union of two great nations could become the mascot for Quebec City's 400th birthday, except, as some have sagely pointed out, it looks more like a damn moose. Meanwhile, Brad Pitt, Cate Blanchett, and other symbols of unbridled hotness, fail to enter Quebec in droves. Connection?

Oh, and since you asked, yes the U.S.A. has stranded an Iraqi citizen in Montreal, bringing home a new worldwide trend to abruptly deny entry to Iraqis holding older passports. All those in possession of Vachibous are asked to meet up at midnight. Storm the gates, Quebec style.

From the Montreal entry at Uncyclopedia:

People

The people of Montreal (en: Montrealer, fr: Montréalais, normals: Not-in-Reality-ers) are composed of three classes (mainly by first or/and prefered domestic, national or international language):

* French identifiable by their crude language and religious devotion toward the Flying Spaghetti Monster
* Englishmen who only stay because they are so very, very, very, very drunk
* Immigrants who do all the work and get nothing in return.

Due to the somewhat hard climate, the Montrealers have built a massive tunnel system, which is 89.4% cooler than Lompoc's retarded skyways. The population, upon seeing the coming winter, will instinctively burrow into the many burrow holes (potholes) and hibernate for six months, awaking only to buy more alcohol or to have sex.

The commercial above came to fame early last year and made Jose Gonzalez a household name... for damn good reason. Commercials like that--really, really, really good commercials--make you want to grovel. It's part satori, part abject humiliation. Yeah, they made you look.

So don't fight the urge to go see the Cannes Lions at Cinema du Parc, where this year's best commercials from around the world are playing now. Here's what you'll do: you'll go, you'll laugh, you'll sniffle, and you'll leave with a newfound respect for the artform that is television advertising. There isn't much time to check it out, though, so hurry. Cinema du Parc will be playing the Cannes Lions every day through February 15th at 19:00. English subtitles.

Leading the news today is the death of American trainwreck Anna Nicole Smith, aged 39. But while perhaps no one could be surprised by the hard-living former Playmate's sudden burn-out, what is surprising is the vast and immediate response across the internet. Anna Nicole Smith, your story was a trainwreck, but a trainwreck that ended too soon. And we want you to know that that means something to us, because we have very empty lives.

There's no good segué between the death of ANS and the the prevention of animal cruelty, so we'll just plow on. The Canadian Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (CSPCA) has come under criticism lately for its handling of fundraising. Why? Because it only has two shelters, in Laval and Montreal. Nevertheless, fundraising fliers go out nationwide carrying the Canadian title, raising unreasonably large sums for a relatively small portion of Canada's anti-cruelty organizations.

Annnd so.... today's life lesson is: No matter what your two year old tells you, he can't handle his cocaine. A two year old was seized in the interior B.C. town of Quesnel yesterday, after being found suffering from cocaine intoxication. No one knows how or why this occurred, but one can only speculate that a little homage was underway. The trainwreck goes on.

Question of the Day: What's that wonderful smell?

Yes, friends, enjoy hovering at freezing JUST FOR TODAY. And while you you enjoy the experience of your nostrils briefly coming unglued, let the government start worrying in earnest about climate change. The Harper administration has finally made a strong statement blaming human sources as the "very likely" cause of global warming, while the rest of us bite our lips and try not to snort-laugh.

On similar notes, the director of Tourism Montreal will keep his job despite pointing out the obvious. And the town of Herouxville has issued a declaration to immigrants explaining that they will not be allowed to kill women.

In other words, to sum up everything that could actually qualify as news today: What's that wonderful smell?

Oh, I know. It's bureaucratic bullshit.

Photo by Davduf
Montreal has become utterly boring in the wake of plummeting temperatures. Even our snow has to be fluffed to be thrilling. And all the ne'er-do-wells have taken it indoors where they continue to do what they've always done: not make U.S. headlines.

* A Montreal man has refused to grant a religious divorce to his wife, who he stabbed along with their baby daughter. He clearly doesn't understand that there'll be no shortage of stabbees in prison. Not to mention tattoo-style shotgun prison "weddings."

* Another Montrealer has been jailed for his racist, neo-Nazi website. Canadians apparently applaud the sheer futility of this act--and sure, why not? Meanwhile racist sites mushroom like fairy rings.

* Nobody cares about the state of Montreal's roads, apparently. Concerned about your shocks? Buy a mountain bike, ya' pansies.

* One the bright side, a Montreal animator has received an Oscar nod this year, although she claims the whole thing is a "fluke." Art majors' heads reel, everywhere.

And that, kids, is really... just about... IT. Do us a favor. Go make trouble.

Yoga is like going to confession. It involves spirituality, humiliation, and it can be hard on the knees. There's always a huge wall of mirrors which forces you to see, in brutal comparison to the regular class members, the twisted energy of selfishness and hate you've got stored in your body from years of obstinately not doing yoga. And there's always at least one calm ballerina-type who catches the one patch of sunlight in the room and sweats graceful rivulets as she splits open thighs the thickness of your wrist. You look at that, and then you look at yourself, and you think, I look like I belong in a cage.

So I said, To hell with bringing my soul into alignment, bring on the HOLLYWOOD GIMMICKS. And so I arrived at Moksha Yoga, in the heart of the Plateau, to give hot yoga a try.

Hot yoga is also known as "Birkam Yoga," named after its inventor, that crazy guy in the picture. It looks horrifying, but it's really just yoga that's done in studios heated to 38 C. The idea is, you stretch, and you breathe, and you sweat, and somewhere in there you burn 900 calories and grow in wisdom and stillness. I don't know about the wisdom thing yet, but I'll try to give you a run-down on what to expect if you decide to drop in.

Today's top story isn't particularly cheerful, alright? So before I kill your Cheerio buzz by telling you that the FLQ is back and is planning to bomb strategic areas of English-speaking Montreal between February 15 and March 15, watch this slice of vintage Quebecois peace-and-disco. Men Without Hats, "Pop Goes the World."

The word of the day is: POSITIVITY.

The video features, amidst bubble soap and Casio-playing babies, the Bonhomme de Neige, and so this is perfect time to tell you that the Winter Carnivals are coming! The Carnaval du Québec will run Jan 26-Feb 11, while the Fête des Neiges de Montréal will be running Ja 27-Feb 11. That's right, FLQ. LIFE GOES ON.

Also! We finally kicked those yogurt-eating Tibetan's asses, thus proving that a poutine-guzzling Quebecoise can too become the world's oldest woman. Unfortunately, she died last night.

Finally, Concordia University has unveiled plans for a new image including a bilingual logo, which should non-plus the heck out of the FLQ. Hilariously, they're attempting to move away from an image of Concordia as a school that focuses on "Real education for the real world." Can't decide how to feel about it? Go watch the video again.