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Naming Names on the Montreal Mean Streets

Posted by Robyn / April 10, 2006

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Oh, celebrities, you are so fun to talk about. I engage in enough intellectual blah blah and read read in the course of a day that I feel entitled, yes you heard me IT'S MY RIGHT, to talk utter pointless trash when needed.

mmm, it's the junkfood of conversation. Some of us eat chips and twizzlers, some of us discuss who's still wearing black lycra capri pants in Hollywood and omg Tom bought an ultrasound machine to monitor the TC-KH-hybrid womb-being (okay, that one's old news but it still freaks me out. And just look at HIS EYES on this US cover.)

So today I was outside, in the sun, walking, to somewhere, important, when I ran into who else but Midnight Poutine's very own DAVE. I greeted him in my best crazy-calm-spaceship-computer voice - Hello. (pause) Dave. (pause) - and he rolled his eyes. All the way back! Okay, I actually had to wave my hand in his face so he'd notice me. Why? Because he was wearing headphones and BEING OBLIVIOUS to the world (i.e., ME). Of course, I was also wearing headphones. (Revolver is a really really good record I just rediscovered for spring. Honestly, "I'm Only Sleeping" + sunshine + breeze = brilliance.)

So after chiding each other for the anti-social blocking-the-sound-of-the-world tendencies, we turned to the trashy: CELEBRITY BABY NAMES. Because Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin had a baby boy recently and they named him Moses. Which I think is a nice name. But people are all ready to jump on that as somehow INSANE. Obviously b/c they named their first baby Apple. And everyone freaked out over that and they're not ready to give up on the freak out (I mean, even Gawker thinks it's bad?? weird.) And I don't half mind the name Apple, to be honest. She can be called Apps for short - that's cute, right? Yeah.

So Dave then enlightened me as to other trends in celeb baby naming: "Hell, that's nothing, Shannyn Sossamon (me: blank stare), who's in movies n' stuff (and already suffering from wacky wacky name spelling herself apparently), named her kid AUDIO SCIENCE." I told him he was turning his volume up too loud b/c now he's just hearing things; that can't be true. "Oh, but it's true," he said. "I double-checked. On the INTERNET."

He's pretty disgusted about the whole thing. And I have to admit, while a great name for a cat, Audio Science is a pretty short-sighted lameass thing to do to a child. And as Dave pointed out, what if he wanted to go into a music career when he grows up?? SO TOTALLY EFFED. "B-b-but it's my real name!" "SHOVE OFF, YR TRYIN TOO HARD LIL GUY." I think A.S. should be a substitute teacher, personally.

(My favourite thing I found online re: the above was this from Shannyn: "We wanted a word, not a name." hahahaha. OKAY. I LIKE WORDS TOO.)

Anyway, I know we're all ready to FREAK OUT something awful when the CruisetronicRadiatedWithScienceSpawn comes out. Oh, we are rubbing our hands in glee anticipating the name. I mean, especially after Britney totally dissed us by naming her kid Sean Preston, something, well, shruggably decent, nice even.

Oh oh oh but also! The PITTJOLIE VAGINA will expand with joy soon as well. Bring on the crazy "creative" monikers that'll only fly in the classrooms of Hollywood but cause copycat parents around the world to bestow a childhood of derision upon their young ones. Oh, harsh and lovely world, I thank you for the gossip and I promise never to write anything academically inclined about it EVER.

Discussion

8 Comments

Micah Moulton / June 21, 2007 at 02:14 pm
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Poet and author Michael Rosen is named Children's Laureate, taking over from Jacqueline Wilson...
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