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99 problems, clean water is one

Posted by Chip / August 22, 2006

jayz3.bmp If we are to believe his song lyrics, legendary Rapper and Def Jam CEO Jay Z (aka Shawn Carter) has a lot of problems. Ninety-nine, to be exact. Until now, he had only chosen to share areas of his life that weren’t causing any stress; bitches, for example. Recently, Mr. Z has revealed one of the areas causing him major concern - access to clean water.

At a press conference in early August, the United Nations announced that they would be teaming with Jay Z to produce an MTV documentary about the world’s billion or so people who don’t have access to clean water. Jay Z will travel to many of the afflicted areas to perform, and hopefully, expose the new MTV generation to one of the United Nations' major concerns of the 21st century.

Granted, it’s hard to picture Jay Z traveling with his large entourage, in a private jet of some sort (undoubtedly filled with cases of bottled mountain spring water), to some of the world’s most desolate & desperate places, but you’ve got to hand it to him. He’s using his position of influence to promote a genuine cause and hopefully mobilize a young, celebrity-obsessed audience. The hope is that MTV sticks with the documentary series even if the ratings aren’t too high. I haven’t seen too much press on this yet, but filming will begin shortly and initially is set to air in late November. As of yet, there is no word on any Canadian broadcasting of the series.

In what could have been a scene from an Ali G episode, Jay Z sat side by side with UN chief Kofi Annan to promote their joint venture. I couldn’t help but wonder what the introductory meeting was like (pre press conference)...undoubtedly, the two met in one of Manhattan’s hot night spots…

Scene: Kofi Annan, after a hard day trying to convince various Middle East factions to make love, not war, is chillin’ in a VIP booth at a club in the east village. Joining him for a few drinks in the booth are UN Deputy Secretary-General Mark Malloch Brown, former top dog Boutros Boutros-Ghali, and a group of 5 NYU students they met on the dance floor.

Jay Z, upon hearing that the UN boss is in the club, has a bottle of (not crystal) sent over to the booth, and then accepts an invitation to join the delegation for a toast.

Annan: Jay Z, how are you? Long time, no see.

Jay Z: What up. You know…

Annan: How’s Beyonce? How come you guys haven’t cut another album together lately? I need some new beats on my IPOD.

Jay Z: Shoot. In due time, my brother. So tell me what up with the world today?…and I don’t want to hear any of that war bullshit. I already said my piece there and let all my peeps know I ain’t down with bombs.

Annan: Well, let’s see…there’s been a few tsunamis, earthquakes, famines…then there’s hiv/aids, bird flu…Antarctica’s melting, Kyoto’s falling apart…developing nations’ debt, what else…like a billion people don’t have access to clean, fresh water…you know, the usual. You think you’ve got problems. It can really put a downer on my day-to-day activities.

Jay Z: Word. Wait. Come again about the fresh water?

Annan: Well, approximately one billion people don’t have access to clean drinking water and 2.6 billion don’t have proper sanitation. As a result, almost 2 million children die every year.

Jay Z: You don’t say. I’ve been looking for a cause to champion and this just may be it. It’s possible that I can use my immense clout in the music industry, including with MTV, to bring awareness to this problem.

Annan: Word?

Jay Z: Fo’ sho’. Can you tell me how to get to these places? You know, the ones that need the most help? Do you think they like hip-hop?

Annan: No doubt.

Jay Z: I’m on it. Let me make a few calls. I’ll holla at you in a few days.

Annan: A toast! To raising awareness of the inaccessibility of clean water!

Giddy, Jay Z returns to his VIP booth to start making calls.



Omar / August 25, 2006 at 12:19 am
And then one of the waiters, who was once MC HAMMER, goes up to Kofi and says:
"Hey Mr. Annan, I'd like to volunteer MY clout to helping your cause as well. I could sing my song 'Pray' from my album 'Please Hammer Don't Hurt Them.' Or I could say "Clean water? Proper!"

Kofi stares at the tuxedoes waiter, and then gives him a short and deadly punch right in the eye. Soon everyone takes turn bitch-slapping Hammer, while Kofi and Jay Z clink drinks and laugh and laugh and laugh.

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