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Smoked Meat Diaries #11: Les oiseaux et les abeilles

Posted by Will / June 2, 2009

Sex shop montreal smoked meatSEX. It's everywhere in Montreal. It's omnipresent; it's ubiquitous; c'est partout. There is a steady sexual energy that pulsates just below the surface of the city streets. You can almost hear the voracious gurgling of sex beneath your feet, ready to boil over in a crescendo of primal pops and beastly bursts. There's something about Montreal that fosters such an intense energy. Maybe it's the subtle undertones of sidewalk glances between strangers, maybe it's the sexiness of the French language, or maybe it's the plethora of sexual reminders that pervade Montreal. This place is sex crazy.

Of course, even though we share a bed, La Belle Fille and I are saving ourselves for marriage (hi Mom!). But despite our commitment to maintaining the sanctity of our relationship, it's undeniable that Montreal is all about the sex.

Let's examine the evidence:

Exhibit #1 - Strip Clubs/Sex Cinemas: I'm no expert, given that strip clubs and sex cinemas are not really my scene, but it would take a blind person not to notice that they're everywhere in Montreal. I have never seen so many of them scattered throughout a city in my life - and I've been to Las Vegas, New Orleans, and Amsterdam. Many of the strip clubs in Montreal are so unassuming in their placement. You would almost miss them if they didn't boast giant posters of naked women and neon signs advertising "Danses contact!" It's surreal to scan the shopping district and see narrow sections of strip clubs nestled between retail outlets and restaurants: Old Navy, HMV, Starbucks, Titty Bar, Mr. Steerburger. And they're everywhere! How do businessmen plan their days? "Okay, so at noon I'll break for lunch, stop at the bank to deposit that cheque, buy some new slacks at The Gap, pop in for a lap dance, grab a bite to eat at Taco Bell, and head back to the office." Also, with all that neon I wonder how many times a young boy has entered one of these establishments under the pretense of getting in a couple quick games of Space Invaders only to experience an erotic journey of self-discovery. Another intriguing aspect is that Montreal strip clubs don't have ambiguous names like "Déjà vu" or "Studio 12." They have totally in-your-face names like "Club Super Sexe," "Bar Exxxotica," "Salon Octopussy," and my personal favourite, "Pussy Corps." I don't have much to say about the Sex Cinemas, but I think someone ought to tell the patrons of Cinema L'Amour about this new thing called "Internet porn." Conclusion: Countless strip clubs and sex cinemas throughout Montreal cultivate an open attitude towards the naked form.

20090602-neondanses.jpgExhibit #2 - Sex Stores: In a similar vein to the abundance of strip clubs in Montreal, there are a hell of a lot of sex shops in Montreal. And they don't beat around the bush either (pun intended). They're not afraid to decorate their display windows with double-dongers, blow-up dolls, and anal beads. The message is clear - "come on in (pun intended) and grab a few fistfuls (pun not intended) of sex toys to pleasure your partner." In Winnipeg, there is a store called "The Discrete Boutique." C'est fou! The very name suggests that there is shame associated with going inside. They would never give a sex shop such a name in Montreal. They'd be far more likely to call it "House of the Horndog" or "Pervert's Paradise" with giant video screens outside the store showing the faces of satisfied customers. Conclusion: Myriad Montreal sex shops encourage sexual freedom and exploration.

20090602-sexvillage.jpgExhibit #3 - Television: One Saturday night I was perusing the T.V. for something to watch. I came across a few sex toy infomercials. These were new to me. If you don't feel like walking down the street to the nearest sex shop to pick up a set of Ben Wa Balls, you can always order them from the comfort of your living room. So I watched for a while, but you can only stare at images of humbling dildos for so long before you'll change the channel. I kept flipping. It was about midnight and I saw the opening credits of a movie on TV5. It had a low-budget feel to it. There was a bit of a cloudy quality to the image - like someone brushed a little Vaseline on the camera lens. In the opening scene, a man was having a discussion with two women in a bedroom. I didn't understand what they were talking about and without warning, they became involved in a...uhm...situation. I believe the term is "ménage à trois"? And I'm not talking about guy-starts-making-out-with-two-girls-and-fade-to-black. I'm talking full on soft-core pornography. Beginning. Middle. Climactic end (pun definitely intended). So what did I do? Did I turn it off in a huff? Did I call up the local cable provider to complain? Nope. I made popcorn. I had to see where they were going with this.

As far as I could tell, there wasn't much plot. They basically took the premise of "The Prince and the Pauper" and sexified it. I'm not sure how Mark Twain would feel about his writing being used as the MacGuffin to show some major boobage on network television. Apart from learning a valuable lesson about not taking life's gifts for granted, the movie got me thinking about another important question: Is this stuff on every Saturday night? Sure enough, the following Saturday there was another skin-flick that was equally deep (pun intended in hindsight). My god! Where were these shows 15 years ago when a 13-year-old boy named Will was forced to stay up until 3 or 4 AM to catch a three-second glimpse of a nipple in some obscure European art film? These late-night Quebecois nudey-flicks make the "Red Shoe Diaries" look like an episode of "Barney and Friends." Conclusion: Sex on Quebec T.V. accelerates the coming-of-age of its youth.

20090602-sexmania.jpgExhibit #4 - Sexy People: Montrealers are super hot. They're spicy. They're sassy. They carry a certain aura about them. The women are legendary for not only being incredibly beautiful, but also being especially sexually-liberated and lascivious. Although I'm dealing with a limited sample size and I probably don't have adequate statistical power to make such a comparison, I can safely say that La Belle Fille lives up to the hype (gleaning from our non-sexual relationship of course. I'll have to wait until that special night when we relinquish our flowers to one another to verify this claim with certainty. It's going to be magical. Hi Mom!). Conclusion: No wonder this city breathes sex. People are constantly thinking about sex because they are surrounded by the alluring sensuality of its inhabitants.

Verdict: Montreal is a sexy, sexy city.

Relevant song: "Lover's Spit" by Broken Social Scene:
All these people drinking lover's spit/ Swallowing words while giving head

Photo credits go to Flickr users MarieLynn, coljung, albany_tim, and neon photos.

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