Yesterday on my way to work, I almost took out another cyclist who had snuck up from behind and tried to pass me on my right on a bike path. Dude was wearing his earbuds and didn't hear my (semi-) polite suggestion that he not do that. But it was on my way up St-Laurent around going-home time (when the lady in front of me got doored) that I figured it was high time Midnight Poutine disseminated a much-needed guide to cycling etiquette on this crazy city's streets.

Cars, bikes, and people on foot seem to have a contentious relationship in this city. Having been each a driver, cyclist, and pedestrian at one point in time, I think I border that liminal space between all three (much like the Rain Man); I know how annoying one can be when you're in the others' shoes. And in this position of omniscience, I've come up with the simplest of all rules: Don't be a jerk. It's great; it applies to all situations, and can be broken down into these eight subsections.

1. Sidewalks: Inherent in the word, they were made for walking. Exceptions include adapted transport and children under the age of 10. Otherwise, get your stinky two-wheeled self on the street. And if you're not comfortable on the street (because you might get doored or hit by a car), get yourself to a side street. It's only one block away. Which brings us to...

2. Direction: We're not in the old country, chap, or down under, mate. Here in Canada, we generally drive on the right, and bicycles are no exception. Same goes for riding on a one-way street; at any given point, you're probably about a block away from a street that goes in the same direction you're going. Don't want to get flattened by that chump doing 80 in a quiet neighbourhood? Start by going in the right direction. Alternately, go over four more streets and find yourself on a...

3. Bike path: Oh, the tomes I could write about bike lane etiquette. But sticking with simplicity (i.e. don't be a jerk), we'll go with this: if you absolutely need to pass someone, do it on their left, and make sure you're not impeding oncoming bike traffic. And if you're doing it to get ahead, make sure you're actually getting ahead - there's nothing more annoying that playing race-car between stoplights. You're not Lance Armstrong, buddy. (And if you're like me, you avoid bike paths altogether because there are for too many jerks using them. Like people who decide to stop in...)

4. Crosswalks: If you're going to stop at a stoplight or stop sign (which you should, or at least pretend to), don't stop in the crosswalk. Much like the sidewalk, a crosswalk was designed for walking; when it comes to crosswalks, pedestrians normally have the right of way. So if you're flying through a stop sign to save on brake pads or whatever and nearly hit a pedestrian, you're being a jerk. Don't be.

5. Bixis: I have a love/hate relationship with these rental monsters. They're bringing bikes to a bunch of people who might not have previously found cycling accessible. They've also inspired one of the best YouTube videos of the year. Still, some people with Bixis can be a bit reckless, so give them a wide berth. Also, they're a bit slower (not necessarily due to lack of skill on the riders' part; those things weigh a ton, to which I can testify after having dropped one on my foot), so try not to get stuck behind a fleet o' Bixis.

6. Music: I'll be the first to admit that music is generally amazing, and having it piped into your head 24/7 might be one of the blessings of our age. But there's a reason they're calling us Generation Deaf, and maybe time spent on your bike should be time spent away from your iDevice. Then, you might be able to hear that person who is politely cursing because they almost took you out, or that truck that is about to run you over.

7. Lanes: Sorry drivers, but cyclists are entitled to take up an entire lane if it means not getting killed on the way home. You're in a car, though, so chill out; you'll still going to get home before the person on their bike.

8. Helmets: They mess up your hair, might look slightly dorky, set you back 30 bucks at Canadian Tire, and can be a pain to carry around, but traumatic brain injury is so passé. Helmets are worth wearing. Always.

Of course this list isn't exhaustive; it's lacking indeed. And full disclosure: I break approximately 83% of these rules in the first 32 minutes of each day. I'm a firm believer that rules (including these ones suggested) are made to be broken, but I think that people should at least be vigilant and courteous in their rule-breaking.

P.S. to the woman who doored the cyclist yesterday: As evidenced by what you said ("Don't worry about my car, as long as you're alright"), you're inadvertently the first follower of my rule. Decent people: 1, jerks: zero.

Thanks to pasdecouleur, majamonster, BILLBINNS, and Loveless future for the pretty pictures