Oh, the standard Montreal Man. What a bizarre species he is. He could be a LARP-er. He could only speak French. He is most likely a hockey fan. He probably owns an old civic if he lives in the suburbs, but definitely takes the Metro if he lives downtown. He might not be native to Quebec, but he likes it here anyway. He wants poutine, but doesn't want to gross you out too much. His interests are simple. His breathing is heavy. He can be loyal, but likely not very punctual. He likes to wear that same old Habs shirt in the summer time. He will tell you it's silly to wear heels in the winter. He's got a bit of scruff and moderately long hair.

Finding your way to this man's heart midway through the winter can be a tricky beast. He knows you expect something from him on Valentine's Day, but will he care if you go far out of your way to show him your love?

The answer is: Yes!

But it must be done the right way. Here are some tips on what gift ideas to avoid, followed by some new and original ideas to fill the void of your imagination:

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OVERDONE: A book of Coupons
Stupid. This was never, even for 30 seconds, a good gift. "10 free hugs", "1 complimentary backrub", and "Home Made Pizza" are all thing you should be doing regularly for your man, not things you should be making special coupons for.

REPLACEMENT: A book of real tickets for actual fun things.
Osheaga. The Jazz Fest. Habs Games. IThe Grand Prix. Les Francofolies. Montreal World Film Fest. Just For Laughs. The list goes on of wonderful events you and yo' boy could be attending over the next while. This is actually a loop hole, because chances are you would end up attending a few of these, but you get to make it seem like an original present. Genius!

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OVERDONE: The Home-Cooked Meal
Don't get me wrong, when a lady makes me a meal she made with her bare hands, it's pretty much as good as sex. Sometimes I don't even stay for the sex. But like the coupon book, this should be a regular occurence, not a special event. Today's modern healthy relationship usually involves quite a lot of "together cooking", in which a couple will make dinner together. It's even a good date idea. But it's not a present or extravagant show of affection.

REPLACEMENT: Anything from EpicMealTime
The manly macho man has returned. Thanks to sites like ThisIsWhyYoureFat and videos like Macho Salad, making a grotesque mutant-like meal is no longer completely out of whack. Just the other day I made the Angry French Canadian (video coming soon) with my girlfriend and some pals. She impressed my friends with her enthusiasm and almost ate as much of the sandwich as I did. But more importantly, her eating warmed my heart a little bit. Going the extra mile to cook something for your man that you would never dream of eating could make for the most memorable Valentine's to date.

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OVERDONE: Guessing his new hobby
It happens often. A guy will just casually say something like "ya being a photographer would be cool" and his girlfriend will take it as a sign that she should go and spend $1,400 on a new DSLR to fuel her man's passion. Hanging on your every word for hints for what to buy is his job, not yours. Guys say a lot of things they don't mean. Best case scenario is he likes it and takes up the hobby. Worst case is he doesn't like it, pretends to like it, and then it sits in the corner forever. Not worth the risk ladies.

REPLACEMENT: Break new ground for his current hobby
When I was a kid, I dreamed of being a pro hockey player. The dream died when I was about 11 years old, where I decided I wanted to be a dancer on Electric Circus. Fast forward to last year, when I got a chance to try out for Red Bull Crashed Ice at the McGill arena. My love interest at the time (check this year's Top 10 Halloween Costumes for reference) came with me, and that was real nice of her. What I'm saying is, rather than giving your man a new hobby, do something that will push his current one to the next level. If he loves to snowboard, plan a trip to a new hill he's never gone to. If he collects paper airplanes, bring him to a paper factory. This is something you can consult his friends about.

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At the end of the day, Valentine's Day is more about pleasing the woman. Which is the opposite of sex. Oooooooohhhh!! *dead silence* Aww... Forever Alone.

Stay Tuned for tomorrow's article on How to treat Your Woman!
It will be much, much longer.

Don't forget to send in your best stories, tips, or questions to luc@midnightpoutine.com

And follow me on Twitter! @lgdoucet

Photo courtesy of Instructables