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You had Me at Poutine - How to treat your Woman

Posted by Luc / February 9, 2011

20110210_mmpix_loveweekfeb9a.jpg There is absolutely no way this article will go down without controversy. Never, in any social situation that I have experienced, has everyone agreed on what women want. Mel Gibson had to make a movie where he could hear their thoughts, and he still got it all wrong. And now look at him...making a movie about a British Beaver Puppet.

Whatever. The opinions expressed in this column are those solely of Luc Doucet and do not in any way represent the thoughts and views of MP. Yes, that's right, the same Luc Doucet that spent his own time making videos like this, this, and most notably this. That being said...

Gentlemen, be weary. A woman is out to mess with you. If you get her something traditional, she will give you a polite smile, then later tell her friends how boring you are while they talk about their own, much more awesome boyfriends. But if you do something original, she will give you a polite smile then cry alone in her room when she gets home. Later, she will tell her friends that you are batshit insane.

What I'm really trying to say is...follow your heart (pffffffff).

Here are some tips on what gift ideas to avoid, followed by some new and original ideas to fill the void of your imagination. Keep in mind that the objective is not necessarily to satisfy her, but rather to seem like you did your very best:

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OVERDONE: Chocolates and Flowers
Your mom likes flowers. Especially on Mother's Day, or Easter. Or Both. Your girlfriend likes flowers too, but these should be a regular occurence, or a first date show of gentlemanly-ness. If you are "long term" with a girl, and your best idea is flowers and chocolate, you got a whole other thing coming to you. Before you know it she'll be cheating on you with the Chocolate Husband. Or the Chocolate Axe Guy.

REPLACEMENT: Diamonds
Oh, what's that? Diamonds are overdone? Wrong. They are common, traditionnal, and a fool proof plan. She might say she hates them. She might say they are too expensive. She might say she's not be a diamond girl. But she won't say you didn't try. Best case scenario is that she says she doesn't like expensive things, thus saving you money for the rest of your courtship.

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OVERDONE: Romantic Skating
Ew. Girls take guys skating so they can show off their skills. Not the other way around. Girls who can't skate don't actually want to go skating. 5 minutes in, they are tired and cold and want to go home. Don't bring your girl out for a romantic evening of skating. In fact, don't bring her to anything outdoors that lasts more than 10 minutes. Girlfriends and Cold Weather do not go together.

REPLACEMENT: A song
Auto tune baby. I have no musical skills what-so-ever, but that wouldn't stop me from writing a song for my lady. If you live here, you are bound to have some sort of musical friends who can at least put together a simple ballad for you. This works really well if you are one of those repressed hard-to-read-his-emotions-because-he-always-looks-mad type of guys. Like the type of guys who go to La Rouge.

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OVERDONE: Quebec City Getaway
There is nothing more obvious than the Quebec City Getaway. It's the closest nice place (sorry Ottawa, no one likes you, not even Ottawa) and is just way too typical an idea. The Carnaval is cool and all, but this will not set you apart from past boyfriends and will definitely not be an original idea.

REPLACEMENT: Ice Fishing
Minus the fishing. Cabin. Frozen Lake. Warm Fire. Bailey's. Sexiness. You da man.

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OVERDONE: Your penis
I'm not even kidding. Guys will sometimes shave a heart into their pubes, or put a bow on it. This is unacceptable. Not only is this not even close to being a present, but men in relationships should be regularly manscaping.

REPLACEMENT: Sex Store
You go to the store. You look awkward. You get over it. She looks around, finds some things that tie to your Junior that vibrate, then you go home and experience heaven in a whole new way. Going sex shopping together shows that you are not only comfortable enough with your sexuality to walk into such a store, but that you are serious about her pleasure.

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Well if you're a man, by this point you are hopefully enlightened. If you are a woman and still reading, you are probably shaking your head and wondering how exactly I maintain a steady girlfriend. Manscaping I tell you. Manscaping.

Stay Tuned for tomorrow's article on Being Single in Montreal! And don't forget to send in your best stories, tips, or questions to luc@midnightpoutine.com

And follow me on Twitter! @lgdoucet

Photo courtesy of TourismMontreal

Discussion

9 Comments

Chase / February 9, 2011 at 03:17 pm
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YEEEAHHHHHH SNNNNAILLLLLLL
Sarah / February 9, 2011 at 04:18 pm
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I <3 you!
I just laughed so hard my neighbours probably heard me and think I'm crazy by now - "laughing alone in her home-office, clearly she doesn't leave the house often enough".
You win the valentine heart of awesomeness! +87 pts
Finn / February 9, 2011 at 05:43 pm
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Taking your advice, my man just sent me this:

http://www.youtubedoubler.com/?video1=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DmTa8U0Wa0q8&;start1=4&video2=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DowGykVbfgUE&start2=18&authorName=

Issy / May 21, 2011 at 01:30 pm
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And I thoguht I was the sensible one. Thanks for setting me straight.
www.GetTheGirlCodeReviewed.org / June 1, 2014 at 04:07 am
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Everlith / February 4, 2015 at 02:22 pm
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to eat lots of different cakes (i am way to thin) to write to my pen pal every silnge week (because just now it is every month) to find an art class( because my mum cant find one)and to spend more time with my eighteen pets(because i amat school a lot)
Tips for living natural / January 15, 2016 at 11:58 pm
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