Ask Hua Li #1: Starting from the bottom...
Hua Li is Midnight Poutine's sex writer. Ask her an anonymous question in the box below and she'll answer it in this column, appearing every other Hump Day (aka, Wednesday).
Wow guys, what an overwhelming response from all of you! Your questions these past two weeks have been endless and interesting and I'm really excited about all of the dimly-lit corners this column is going to help us explore. That being said, I really wanted to take a full disclosure moment to say that while I will be trying to answer any and all of your sex questions, I might not get to everyone every time. Think of it as a tease, because if your question isn't at least generally covered in one of my answers I'll get to it in the coming weeks. Now that that's out of the way, let's get to the good stuff...
Hey Hua Li! My boyfriend and I are interested in experimenting with more ass play. On him. Any tips on how to find and stroke a man's prostate? Are the urban myths true - prostate stimulation might give him a more satisfying/more explosive orgasm? If so - I find this potentially worrisome. Could this upstage my vagina?
I was very happy to receive several questions from hetero-identified couples about this very subject. Montreal, you certainly want to get intimate with each other's bum holes, don't you now?
First, let's talk about what the prostate is, since, admittedly, I hadn't really thought much about it biologically until very recently (so forgive me, readers, if this is a little basic.) Turns out the male prostate, located between the bladder and the penis in close proximity to the anal canal, makes a fluid right before ejaculation to protect semen and help them travel further. While we frequently associate prostate stimulation with anal play, sometimes the prostate can also be stimulated externally, so if you and your partner want, you can start exploring prostate stimulation by rubbing, stroking or pressing his perineum. As with any time you and your partner are trying something new sexually, you should make an effort to be extra communicative about what feels good for each other.
When you're ready to dive into anal play, remember that it's a great idea for both of you to feel comfortable and relaxed (it might be interesting for you to know that there are actually two sphincters in everyone's anal canal - the external sphinctus and the internal sphinctus. We have some control over the muscular action of the external sphinctus, but its buddy moves completely involuntarily, so being relaxed is key.) You definitely want to minimize any tearing of the thin lining of the rectum. Start slowly, and make sure you've got some of your favourite water-based lube on hand. Don't be shy about exploring different positions to allow for easier or more comfortable access. Encourage your partner to talk to you about what sensations he's feeling, because that's hot, and is great information for you to have when you're looking for a prostate. It's often described as a round ball of tissue about an inch inside the rectum, toward the front side of his body, but everyone is different, so use your instincts, talk to each other and maintain a good read on your partner.
To answer the second part of your question, I'd like to quote from a question submitted this week under the alias, Anal Obsessed Straight Dude. He described his first anal play experience like this: "I proceeded to have the most intense, hour long orgasm experience of my life. I was really not expecting it to be so insanely good. It felt as though I had unlocked some sort of secret sacred sexual energy in myself." I'm not about to let AOSD speak for all men out there, but yeah, I've heard prostate stimulation is pretty great. This leads me to your final question. Will it upstage your vagina? Maybe, but I don't see why it would. It's kind of like this - when you're a kid, and you've only ever made-out with your partner, making out is completely the bee's knees. But then one day, you totally give each other hand jobs! Then hand jobs become the bee's knees, but that doesn't mean you stop making out, because making out is still awesome. If you and your boyfriend are already having fun sex together, changing up your routine and adding some tricks to your repertoire will only make the overall experience more fun.
I wanted to add a bit of an aside - I received several questions from men wanting to know the best way to brooch the topic of anal play with their female partners this week. This is a little tricky, since everyone has different comfort levels, but I like to think that if you're engaging in an ongoing sexual relationship with someone, you should be at least comfortable enough to talk about your desires without fear of being shamed. The worst that can happen is that your partner won't be into the idea, and that's some pretty good information to have if you're really interested in exploring something sexually. Ultimately, I don't think anal play is nearly as taboo as a lot of people make it out to be, so don't be shy, and please, if you and your female partners are having great sex, you shouldn't be worried if she'll think you're gay just because you want some fingers or some anal beads in your bum hole.
Hi Hua Li!
So while reading your introduction to Midnight Poutine (whose cred was only tarnished by the lack of a sex column!), I thought I read "ethnics of sex" rather than your intended "ethics of sex". Call it a Freudian slip if you will, I quickly re-read it and realized my mistake. But it got me wondering, what do you think, or rather, what is your experience with the "ethnics" of sex? Being a Montreal-born white francophone, I can't say I have mixed and matched much, but not from lack of opportunity or interest, mainly happenstance. So I'm curious if you have any experience in this regard and would be willing to share it from your perspective. Thanks, and I wish you fun and sexy times on your MP adventure!
Questions along the lines of this one also came up a lot this week. Apparently if I'm not going to publish a list of my past lovers, everyone in Montreal wants to know at least what colours were on that list. I guess I'm asking for it, spouting off about #BenettonMob all the time. To the point of my own experiences, I'll say that I've certainly had some racially diverse partners, but I wouldn't say that someone's racial background factors into my sexual preferences. To expand, I don't believe race should factor in people's preferences. Allow me to quote from #BenettonMob cohort, Kim Ninkuru's blog:
"First of all, can I ask you what you mean when you say "I'm into black guys"? What exactly do black guys, AS A WHOLE ENTIRE COMMUNITY, do that attracts you to them? What is the common trait that defines ALL BLACK GUYS to arouse you? I'll tell you what: nothing. There is no single thing that black guys do that make them sexually attractive solely based on the color of their skin. When a guy finds in himself the audacity to open/pursue/close a verbal interaction with that statement, I hear a loud alarm and their head becomes a huge red sign reading: "White supremacy complex"."
Sexual racial stereotyping is something that in #BenettonMob, as a group of mostly queer, mostly POC young people, we talk about all the time. We get into the details of how people perceive my sexuality as an Asian woman differently than they would say, my best friend, as a black woman, and we'll analyze things like how people approach us. When dealing with people operating in a white-dominated, hetero-normative context, sexual racial stereotyping comes up all the time. Often it's subtle, but other times it's not, like when a much younger, less experienced me had to break up with a boy that told me he was disappointed in me because he thought Asian girls were supposed to listen to their partners. Ultimately, I feel that people who fetishize others based on their race are bound to be consistently disappointed when their racially motivated expectations turn out not to be true.
That being said Mr/s. Ethnics of Sex, I'm certainly not accusing you of any of this. Your question just got me thinking about this stuff, and I couldn't help but delve into it. My advice to you as a white, Francophone Montrealer is to be respectful and considerate with all your partners regardless of their racial background. When you choose your partners, I hope you do so considering what it is about them individually that makes you attracted to them and I encourage you celebrate your uniqueness together, free of expectations based on any stereotypes, whether they are focused on race, sexuality, gender, or really, anything else.
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Photo by Tristan Harris