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Ask Hua Li #3: Of Leashes and Stimulation

Posted by Hua_Li / December 19, 2013

HuaLiHua Li is Midnight Poutine's sex writer. Ask her an anonymous question in the box at the bottom of this post and she'll answer it in this column, appearing every other Hump Day (aka, Wednesday).

Hi Hua Li!

I am a mostly heterosexual male who is quite sexually active and is still curious about female orgasms. I always make a point of ensuring that my lady partners have at least one orgasm at every sexual encounter (it seems only fair as men rarely go unsatisfied) although it's far easier for me to do so through cunnilingus and manual clitoral stimulation rather than vaginal intercourse. How would you compare the two and would you be dissatisfied if your partner was generally unable to give you vaginal orgasms while consistently bringing you to climax by stimulating the clitoris?

Sex Posi Vibes

I'd like to start off by saying that I think it's fantastic that you and your partner are able to consistently achieve orgasm through clitoral stimulation. The female orgasm is such an elusive thing to so many people - did you know, SPV, that according to several surveys on the subject, only 25 percent of women always climax during sex with a partner? A quick survey of sexual and women's health boards will yield leagues of women complaining about a lack of satisfactory orgasm, so it's understandable why so many young men and women alike suffer from insecurities linked to the mysteries of the female orgasm.

The first thing we can do to clear the smoke a little is to consider, anatomically, just what's going on down there. Generally the consensus seems to be that center of women's sexual pleasure is the clitoris - that tiny bundle of joy at the top of the vulva, packed with 6000 to 8000 nerves endings (that's as many as in a man's entire penis!) - and many sexual health experts cite lack of continuous clitoral stimulation as a huge factor for women who are not achieving orgasm with their partners. The clitoris is really quite a spectacular thing when you start to break it down; the part of the clitoris that is visible to us is called the glans, and the glans is just the tiny tip of an earth-shattering pleasure iceberg. The glans is connected to the body of the internal clitoris, and from the body extends two corpora cavernosa and two crura. These things are kind of like branches of potential pleasure reaching into the female body - when erect (which happens, just like the penis, upon arousal) the corpora cavernosa wrap around the sides of the vagina and the crura (which can extend up to 9 centimeters) point toward the spine. If this seems confusing to you, readers, please refer to this link (http://io9.com/5876335/until-2009-the-human-clitoris-was-an-absolute-mystery/1093115185) where all of this is described in detail alongside some fascinating illustrations.

There has been a considerable amount of debate in the medical community about whether or not the so-called vaginal orgasm even exists, with studies showing a very small percentage of women who report consistent orgasms from penetration and no external clitoral stimulation. Ultimately, because women report a difference in sensation between the two, doctors generally seem to think there is a possibility for distinction between them, though no one really seems to know exactly that what might be. I've suffered some personal frustration wondering about vaginal orgasms, but once I fully understood the complexity of my clitoris, I laid off the anxiety and I would say that I'm generally a more orgasmic (and orgasm inducing) lady as a result. Lately, rather than creating a distinction in my head about clitoral vs vaginal orgasms, I've been thinking a lot more about those clitoris arms that extend though a woman's body and how nice it is for everyone when you can tickle those corpora cavernosa into holding on for a nice, long, trembling hug. I think the best policy when it comes to highly orgasmic sex, is to leave all your insecurities and expectations at the door, and really try to cultivate a sense of intimacy and trust with your partner. If you're not focused on making anything specific happen, and instead you're focusing on communicating with your partner through sexual intimacy, you might find that both of you will discover new pinnacles of pleasure.

Dear Hua Li,

I really like having anonymous sex. Recently after having a arrived at a stranger's house with plans to fuck him, I found him in the living room on all fours, and next to him, sitting on a couch was another man holding a leash attached to the first man. It didn't really bother me, so I got down to performing, and while I was having sex with floor dude, I looked toward the man on the couch watching us, and realized that on the ground next to him was a green tote bag from my place of work. We use these tote bags as a promotional tool, but we're not a store or anything like that, so generally you have to be given one by someone that works there. Often when I'm going to meet a stranger for anonymous sex, I'll wear a baseball cap pulled over my eyes, because I like to seem a little mysterious and menacing, so I don't think either of these two men necessarily got a good look at my face. Ever since this encounter, I've noticed a co-worker at the office that I don't see around often, and he looks a lot like the man from the couch. My question is, do you think I should find out if it's the same person? Is there a good way to ask someone whether they took part in a strange threesome with you?

Work and Play

Full disclosure, WAP, the only time I've ever worked in an office setting, I was fifteen and I was a summer intern, but the impression that I still have about offices is that often it's really complicated to hook up with people that you work with because of guidelines surrounding sexual harassment and the complexities of interpersonal relationships as soon as work and sex are combined. I suppose my question to you in this case is, why do you need to know? I would say one of the most exciting components to having anonymous sex is the anonymity, and by extension, the ability to shed any baggage that you might associate with your identity. It's about the freedom and fantasy that a consensual random sexual experience can bring to the parties involved. You seem like a pretty open-minded person when it comes to sex, but what if scenarios like the one you've described are couch man's only outlet for his dominating-voyeur side? I would err on the side of respectful caution in this case, since it seems like what everyone consented to was a surreal, isolated sexual encounter, and not an ongoing-at-work discussion about what happened. It seems as though you're well aware of the eroticism in a little bit of secrecy, so consider the option of enjoying the tease of the mystery of whether or not your co-worker held a leash attached to someone you were having sex with. Who knows, hopefully it can bring an extra sparkle of stimulation to your workday.

Ask Hua Li a sex question in the box below. The form will retain nothing of your identity and any text you enter will not be displayed here.

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I just found your blog and was amazed how your story' soudns familiar. We are only married 4 years and have 2 kids, and I think we are getting to the point where God will be breaking' both of us and will eventually make our marriage great but we aren't there yet. For now, we are still struggling most days and feeling distant, but I sense it coming, and the first thing we need to fix is our sexual intimacy with one another (and our intimacy with God).I noted in this article you say, if at first you don't succeed, try again'. I like how you stress try again and again and again and enjoy trying'. It soudns right.But how long? We've been trying to get me (wife) to orgasm since our honeymoon. We've gone in and out of giving up because it is just so frustrating to never get anywhere. I've pretty much grown to hate sex and just want to get it overwith. I know this is unhealthy, but I don't know what to do about it. I thought I had given up hope but the more I think about it, the more I feel like somewhere down inside me there is still a sense of maybe I can do it someday'. I really do want to be able to experience it I feel like if I experience it once, I'll want to go to the work' to get it again. But maybe, is it possible, that some women just can't do it? (I'm guessing this is a lie that Satan keeps getting me to believe.) I read other posts that the girl needs to lead the guy and tell him what feels good but I don't even know what feels good for me, if anything! Not only do I hate it when he tries to touch my clitoris but I hate touching it too, so obviously I can't tell him what feels good. It's very frustrating and stressful to me.Thoughts?
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