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The Power and the Glory of the Poop

Posted by MP / June 1, 2006

S3000033.JPG"Masturbation!" I remember vividly, the speech on fondly oneself given to me and every boy at my boarding school. Presented by Mr. MacNeil, our principal, in the boys dorm common area. "It is sex with yourself. It is disgusting, it is deplorable is a sin". His Don King-esque delivery really drove the point home. I felt ashamed. I knew that I was the only one, out of a hundred boys, that had ever practiced the dark art of self-pleasure. But at the same time I felt liberated. I had been inspired. I knew that I had knocked off my final knuckle children. I no longer had to fear my deceased friends and relatives watching me from heaven as I pulled my goalie. No one wants to see their disapproving Grandmother jump off the fantasy bench and push your sexy chemistry teacher out of the way before you can move on to your girlfriend's best friend.

Thanks to Mr. MacNeil and my Grandmother, masturbation was a thing of the past.

But now that masturbation was behind me I needed to find something to replace it with. I needed to find something that was also a solitary activity, something that both God and my Grandmother could be proud of. I decided to focus on something that i had always enjoyed but had under-appreciated - the evacuation of my bowels. Pooping, to me, was the mirror image of ingesting the sacrament. While consuming the body and blood of Christ was bringing me closer to Our Lord and Saviour by allowing him to become a part of me. The act of defecation was removing everything my body and soul wanted no part of - Satan. Shit is the devil.

Ever since I realised this simple fact, dropping the kids off at the pool has become a glorious, religious experience. However my enthusiasm has confounded my friends. Cries of "thank you Jesus" and "show yourself Lucifer! Leave my body and drown in my holy throne of judgement" has, for reasons I cannot explain, drawn concern from my closest of friends. I then realized, knowing that all my friends are good, God fearing people (aren't we all?), that it wasn't the bathroom exorcism that concerned them, it was the simple act of pooping.

How could such a sacred gift from God be so taboo? And this is why I write this humble piece of literary genius - so that others may share in the joy of taking a monstrous crap, without the shame that should be strictly reserved for masturbation.



Clinton / June 2, 2006 at 05:14 pm
You know it's a slow news day when you read an entire piece about holy defecation. Funny shit.
Sara / June 9, 2006 at 07:03 pm
as the person who cleans that toilet, i can assure you that he is not kidding.
Dave / June 9, 2006 at 07:09 pm
It's only over the past 3 to 4 years that I've really come to appreciate a good poop. It's good thinking time. It's very relieving. It gives hope for the future. Once you start to really pay attention, you can really come up with a good poop rating system. Like a good wine, after a good poop, you can tell the specifics of why it was good. The aroma, the body and dare I say it, the flavour.
Chris / June 16, 2006 at 01:23 pm
This is one of the funniest things I have EVER read. Keep up the good work poutine-ers.
Pablo / June 16, 2006 at 02:01 pm
mike / June 16, 2006 at 02:04 pm
you are ho-hum and I...I am a genious. and yes, that does make sense.
cat / June 17, 2006 at 12:43 am
Bravo! Surely you know of the important role a good dump has played in religious history? Martin Luther was said to have suffered terribly from constipation, and spent many a tortured hour perched on the porcelain (or wood or peatmoss or whatever it was in his day) waiting for relief. And, when it finally came, hallelujahs were shouted and great revelations made, Said revelations led to a little thing we like to call the Reformation. Luther loved to get the crowds going with his tales of how the Devil would throw shit at him, and he would throw it right back. He allegedly once quipped "When I fart, God listens". Scatalogical meets theological - glorious! And so, all praise to you, Sir Poops-A-Lot!
Mike / June 19, 2006 at 02:07 pm
maybe he was constipated as a result of his "diet of worms".
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