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Fashion

Burning Questions: Tarts & Hearts & Shower Stalls

Posted by Drew / July 13, 2006

phallus.jpgIn keeping with the MP mandate, our new weekly sex advice column will not be written by a sex-pert, an expert or a professional of any kind.

My qualifications are these: I know about 33 really fucked up totally slutty people, which in turn means I know all of their fucked up really slutty friends, too. The total is already nearing 100 (I like the word slutty and am not using it in a derogatory sense).

As I stay out of the fray myself, people tend to tell me all of their sexual stories. All of them.

I have no idea why.

Incidentally this has left me well equipped to deal with the sexual from a social perspective, from the perspective of your new best friend who you just met, from the perspective of a party so disinterested as to be completely non-judgemental.

I will respond. I will give you good and sound advice—really and truly. People who have followed my advice in the past have gone on to do great things—in bed and elsewhere.

So send in your questions to: info-at-midnightpoutine-dot-ca

Question: After declining a booty call, you realize you have hurt the person in
question's feelings. The next time you see this person do you say:

a) Sorry, babe, I had the runs.
b) I'm a sexaholic and I haven't completed my 12 steps.
c) Ever since I started taking this anti-herpes medication
my libido is really low.
d) My personal astrologer told me not to start any new
relationships as long as my third house was still in Mars.

Answer: The tenor and tone of your question makes me believe that this is one of MP’s own Mr. Funnymen writing in, but, sir, your lame attempt at comedy raises some interesting sexual conundrums.

Firstly, the entirely understandable but incorrect belief that chances for sex are dolled out in a finite portion at birth and used up throughout your life with no chances of renewal. But while it may seem that way, sexual chances do not run out. Throwing away a booty call does not mean that you have forfeited one of your turns.

Which leads to the second point. You seem concerned with this other peron’s feelings, but you yourself don’t explain: Why did you decline the booty?

I don’t need to know but suffice to say that once you decline, for any reason, a booty call, you are probably over it. And you do owe the other person an apology. But for the love of god, remember that the only thing more mortifying than being sexually rejected is having a conversation about being sexually rejected. Instead, promise yourself that you will never speak of the situation with the person again. Pay back your karmic debt by talking well about this person for the rest of your life. Say things about her/him like: “ She/he is the best looking person I have ever known. “ Note: Do not say this in a predatory-goal-oriented way, say it in a wistful, “too bad for me this other person totally outclasses me” sort of way.

Eventually, this will get back to the other person and they will think well of you and assume that you always thought he/she was too good for you. Everyone is happy and equilibrium will be restored.

Question; While sex in the shower may be appealing in most bathroooms, does
anyone really want to have sex in the shower in our crappy Mile-End
bathrooms?


Answer:
A quick random poll just conducted reveals that nobody really likes to have sex in the shower. And if one sex perfers it over the other that would be men, which under some circumstances could be sexy and logical, but which doesn’t really make sense in an apartment –type setting which offers many other furniture alternatives: tables, desks, chairs, bed, stoops, terraces, stairs, possibly, etc.—any of which are far more satisfying and allow much better leverage than a shower, which is, by the way totally dangerous, too.

So yes, the Mile End bathrooms are crappy, only you like to do it anyway, and, well, your parents were totally swinging in the 70s—more so than you are now-- soliving your sexual fantasies in their super fine, newly renovated bathroom, replete with towel warmers and all that is totally cool. So go get to it. Good luck.

Discussion

7 Comments

Collection Statute of Limitations / December 9, 2009 at 02:08 pm
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Alot of the time i see pages with silly comments and thought wouldn't it be nice to be one.. Nice blog found you via Bing. Will check back. See what other jems you post.

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