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OmnipoTim vs. the Factistas

Posted by Sara / October 14, 2006

timsquish.jpgOur friend OmnipoTim has a unique gift. You might call it a superpower, except that if you did, he would get too excited to perform. He can speechify on ANY subject, and charm the pants off of any colleague, coworker or cab driver in his path - without Google! Go on, give him a try: email your random queries to me at sara-AT-midnightpoutine.ca and we'll put him to the test again.

Teetering on the Edge of Veracity: So, what is this little column all about? Just another teeny tiny little fish in the giant pond that is Midnight Poutine, really. I’m just a chatty Cathy who seems to be able to find common ground with just about anyone due to my vast knowledge of crap. Conversations witnessed: the subtle and nuanced differences between European and African soccer, the difference between a beef tenderloin and a Chateau Briand cut, or perhaps the difference between a fop and a flower (Scarlet Pimpernel=Fop, the Sun King=Flower…duh).

See, I thought I was “jus' talkin,’” but apparently normal people don’t a) talk about that stuff or b) care to learn/remember that stuff or c) have any reason to think anyone would a) or b).

Screw them, the douchebags.

Here are the rules for the OmnipoTim question/answer period:

I promise to only write using a 1995 IMB ThinkPad 760EL using WordPerfect 7. This thing has never felt the gentle probing touch of the Internet, and never will, doesn’t even have a USB port. Really. All answers are pulled straight out of my head, or my ass.

I promise to always answer within two days, so no time for the readin’ or the researchin’ or the whatnot. And anyway, who fucking cheats at something like this?

I promise to let Sara correct my spelling and grammar errors for fear of my life. Never has an Anarchist followed rules so carefully.

On to the questions:

Dear OmnipoTim, what was the real cause of the Civil War?

Ah, a contentious one right off the bat, happy to oblige. See, most folks thought the Civil War was fought over slavery, and even more figure is was a really big fight about state’s rights. They are smoking the crack, and should not get up in my grill.

The real cause of the Civil War was pot. Yup, that old cheeba cheeba caused the horrible carnage that was the American Civil war. Well, actually it was hemp, the no-fun part used to weave cloth or rope among countless other uses.

See, there was some interesting protectionist legislation that some of the Northern states had implemented at that time. The North was rapidly industrializing and busy being all “we want to manufacture stuff and not grow stuff but we need some of that grown stuff for our stuff.” But, many Northern farmers who were still producing some of that stuff saw their product not being bought locally anymore (sound familiar). Instead the cheaper stuff produced in the South (with their questionable labour practices of the time) was being bought and used to manufacture textiles of all kinds. Cotton is one thing, can’t make that up North, but hemp pretty much grows just about anywhere (and thank God it does). So, the farmers successfully petitioned the governments of a few Northern states to levy a tax of sorts on certain “refinable industrial textile products.” The funny thing was the law only applied to textile products that were, well, “industrial.” So stuff that made ropes, sails, or upholstery was taxed, but cotton, a necessary Southern import wasn’t touched.

This angered an already alienated South (who disliked the rapidly centralizing Northern led government), who then started to raise prices on important products like cotton or pork (God bless that yummy and important industry). The North needed this stuff...and bing-bang-boom they go to war under the false-pretenses I mentioned earlier. Yes sir, proves ganja is indeed a gateway to something…war.

Dear OmnipoTim, will we be charged for downloading movies/music and how can we avoid it?

Yes we will, I mean that whole Napster thing was a bitch, wasn’t it? Current intellectual property legislation that was tabled by a long forgotten Information Highway Advisory Council (IHAC) has seen new life. IHAC basically said that Canada needed to be at the forefront of the burgeoning E-Commerce revolution (remember that thing?) and as such should see the Internet as a new commercial venture. This was stymied when the CRTC asked for industry opinions (called interventions oddly) and ISPs across the board said “ah, we’ll like...totally watch ourselves, promise, remember how well self-regulation worked with American TV networks?”

That is why all the good sex and violence is during the week and after 10pm. And those shitty CSI Shows. Don’t even, K-Fed is going to be on that damn show. Shut it.

Anyway, the government under Harper is pretty much going to try to make the Internet one big business and has used the IHAC to say “see, see, money good, gays bad!” IHAC didn’t say that last bit, but Harper is a dick, and...Harper is a dick.

But to avoid it, there are a few things we can do:

a) Use the whole “these songs are only to be used for private study and independent scholarship, and cannot be used for commercial purposes” kind of thing and share via places like this site or other blogs. Sites that claim this can then be protected from the record companies like the guitar tab sites have been for a long time (being fought in court in the States right now actually).

b) Don’t download twelve million songs at a time, uses an outrageous amount of bandwidth, slowing down everything, and your ISP will notice. This will give them an excuse to charge for downloads. How am I supposed to get my copy of Species 2 if I can’t download it?

3) Download from outside of North America, the Cayman Islands aren’t just for sketchy off-shore bank accounts anymore! The government could barely touch hate sites from cross the border, like they can touch this.

This was boring and felt like you were in class didn’t it? Wasn’t my idea, blame Sara. Or, it was kinda my idea. Screw you, I have an overdue thesis to finish.

Love,
OmnipoTim

Discussion

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