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Film

Big News: The Oscars Suck (A Running Log)

Posted by Omar / February 26, 2007

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With additional reporting from Asmaa Malik

Yes it is a tad predictable to write a log full of bitchy comments about the Oscars. Like shooting fish in barrel, but how else was I going to get through them this year, huh? My wife, MP contributor Asmaa, and I share our vitriol and loathing with all of you, our loyal readers. Here's the pain.

6:15 pm

I was already feeling a bit nauseous as I sat on the sofa to take in the pre-Oscar show. When I saw that one of the hosts was Ryan Seacrest, who continually refers to himself in the third person like a mental patient, my nausea increased. For once, I felt no envy as I saw him descend upon the dazed celebrities.

Portia De Rossi is one funny lesbian, and has a bad girl quality. So droolingly hot....purrrrr...Another reason to hate Ellen DeGeneres.

People still want to talk to John Singleton?

6:30

Uh, oh. I'm bracing myself for hearing pity speeches about how Martin Scorsese deserves an Oscar, and even worse, we'll seen have to see Scorsese himself grovelling like Peter Lorre in Casablanca "reeeek, reeek, please give me an Oscar!"

6:45

Wow! Helen Mirren still has some pretty nice looking cans. Yes, I know she's over sixty. I SAID I KNOW.

The Jennifer Lopez, Marc Anthony and Seacrest cocktail continue to induce further nausea, I'm downing half a bottle of Tums.

According to Asmaa, Kelly Preston in a leopard print dress 'looks like a used piece of jet trash.'

And another Asmaa gem - 'Cameron Diaz is channelling The Mummy.' Ouch.

7 pm

We switch over to Barbara Walters, who, frankly, is dressed like a little slutty for my taste. She also looks animatronic.

Ellen is likable, but should have smacked Barbara across the face when she asked 'what would you say to God now' Why do people think Barbara Walters is a good interviewer, why?

7:15

Jennifer Hudson's vocal histrionics have busted my left speaker. Please make the swooping diva vocal gymnastics stop! Asmaa disagrees and says she has a perfect voice. I call Asmaa a gaylord. A fight ensues.

Barbara Walters has a truly scary power. She asks people to do embarrassing things and they do it. She makes Jennifer Hudson sing in her chair. Why don't people just say no to her. Remember when she made Will Smith rreestyle? Hmmm, actually we should be paying money to her making him do that...

7:30

Did I mention that Helen Mirren has nice cans? She also gets kudos for criticizing America's love of shorts. Nice one, Helen.

Why is she married to the worst director in the history of all mankind Taylor HACK-ford (must have a big dick). Wait, a minute, didn't Taylor Hackford direct The Devil's Advocate, hmmm, maybe he's not so bad after all...

7:45

Eddie Murphy looks cool and relaxed. "The Nutty Professor works on so many levels." What the fuck is he talking about, is he on crack?

Despite my desire to trash Eddie Murphy, he seemed funny and genuine and thoughtful, though I did want to dab his face with a wet cloth.

7:55

Asmaa starts crying at the promo for Oprah's South African School for Girls specials, did I mention that she's a gaylord. A fight ensues.

8:30

The awards begin with another witty Errol Morris piece. Why, oh why can't they let him direct the entire show?

Host Ellen DeGeneres arrives, and the results are - meh.

8:45

Why does Martin Scorsese look constipated? Oh yeah, because he'll disembowel himself if he can somehow get an Oscar...he looks ready to start gnawing off Mark Wahlberg's shoulder in order to clamour to the stage and start stuffing his pants with Oscar statuettes.

Pan's Labyrinth is winning all the boring awards. I'm sure they are going to have a wild party tonight.

8:50

Will Ferrell, Jack Black and John C. Reilly - thank you. Thanks for the funny. And I also feel vindicated for all those cracks about Helen Mirren's ta-ta's.

9 pm

Kid actors are creepy...creepy...little people who may turn you into a giant jack-in-the-box, I think as the kid from Little Miss Sunshine and the kid from Pursuit of Happyness act coy and cute. Cute Overload anyone?

BTW, Jack Nicholson has become Dr. Evil.

Ah at last a good award. Best Actor. Asmaa and I predict Eddie Murphy...but Asmaa wonders if Alan Arkin might be a surprise win. Lo and behold Arkin wins, and then Asmaa tries to take credit. A fight ensues.

Alan Arkin speech - BORING!! Eddie would have been much better - why don't people vote for the person who would have been more entertaining to see win - huh? It's certainly not about talent...

9:15 pm

If I end up in hell, what torture would I have to endure for eternity - having to endure the Populus shadow dancers or Randy Newman and James Taylor singing the song from CARS...

BTW, Melissa Etheridge is looking a lot like Sharon Gless.

Leonardo DiCaprio and Al Gore announce that the Oscar's have gone green. That makes about as much sense as 7-UP going all natural.

BTW, Al Gore has really become a side of beef with teeth.

10:25

Holy shit, why haven't they given out any more good awards yet? Asmaa and I are so bored, we just put new sheets on our bed. I just offered to do the dishes. I'm not joking.

Best foreign film goes to Germany's The Lives of Others. I heard it was good. I don't know. I'm tired. Yawn.

10:33

George Clooney is such a charming bastard. While I normally hate him, he is finally moving the show along. Best female supporting. Our bet is on Jennifer Hudson. We shoot we score. No surprises.

Poor Abigail Breslin, despite being creepy she would have been an entertaining speech. Instead we get the usual thanking of God, twice - how original. Jennifer, if Simon Cowell was here he'd say "you need more tears, more God talk and more quivering. That was absolutely terrible."

10:42

Gail Garcia Bernal has the devil's smile. He's dreamy.

Best documentary goes to some movie from China...Yeah, I'm sure it's good but I didn't see it. I don't know, I'm tired. Yawn.

10:45
Jerry Seinfeld arrives. Wow, that Seinfeld schtick really dates. Faintly amusing. Please, please, please bring back Jack Black and Will Ferrell.

Another easy prediction. An Inconvenient Truth has won.

Asmaa says, that Al Gore looks like John Travolta, I say she's crazy. She says I look like John Travolta and I tell her she's really crazy. A fight ensues.

Lifetime achievement goes to Ennio Morricone, which pleases me immensely until Celine Dion is asked to sing one of his compositions which makes me reach for the Tums again. Morricone looks like he's been stricken by lightning while Celine sings.

He gives a nice passionate speech in Italian which Clint Eastwood, who seems to have lost the ability to speak coherently, translates.

After Ennio's speech, Asmaa says "he's sweet." Yes he is, Asmaa, yes he is.

11:00

What the fuck, give out some real awards...arghhhh....I'll kill you, i'll kill you all.

My favourite moment up giving the best original screenplay award to Little Miss Sunshine is the announcer's fun fact that screenwriter Michael Arnt quit his job as Mathew Broderick's assistant. I bet Mathew Broderick wishes he was nicer now, as he dons another ridiculous costume to play Inspector Gadget II.

11:24

Stuck in a medley of songs from Showgirls. Asmaa and I want to throw in the towel...a deep seething silence has engulfed the room. I feel empty and weak, like i've overdosed on Mallomars.

Will Smith's ears. Nuff said.

One of my idols Thelma Schoonmaker just won best editing. Classy dame. Scorsese is in tears...OK, maybe I shouldn't been so hard on the guy. He did make a dozen of the most brilliant films. I just made a promotional video for a cruise ship.

Sniff. Bruno Kirby, Don Knotts, Darren McGaven, Sven Nykvist, Scotty from Star Trek, Peter Boyle, Jack Warden, and Robert Altman...Rest in Peace.

11:45

Philip Seymour Hoffman is onstage presenting the Best Female Actress award. He looks a little like Beethoven...the dog. (Asmaa's line, folks). Yeah yeah, Helen Mirren won, gave an OK speech, still has nice cans.

12:00

Best actor award. Peter O'Toole has the best voice ever, c'mon give him the award you bunch of A-holes. Since you give awards to people long after they've done their award deserving role, just give it to the poor bastard already.

Nope. The award goes to Forest Whittaker. Oh hey! Forest Whittaker is giving one of those crazy Tom Hanks speeches. Alright!

12:07

The most evil men in the history of mankind come out on stage.

Best director award given by Coppola, Spielberg and Lucas. Martin Scorsese finally gets his moment. Maybe now he can go back to making great films again. Scorsese practically has an aneurysm with his zealousness over winning. He talks so fast, his voice starts to sound like Mickey Mouse.

Asmaa says Diane Keaton has the best dress of the evening - I guess so, what the hell do I know. I just liked Helen Mirren's cans.

The Departed wins best picture. Yeah yeah yeah ... only someone living under a rock would have been surprised by anything in this year's Oscars.

Sorry folks, but The Departed didn't deserve to win. It's B- Scorsese at best.

In the end:

Alan Arkin should've won for Glengarry Glen Ross.

Peter O'Toole should have won for something.

Martin Scorsese should have won for Raging Bull, not The Departed.

Eddie Murphy should've won for My Girl Wants to Party All the Time.

And that was this year's Oscars. Goodnight. Zzzzzz.


Discussion

18 Comments

J Mac / February 26, 2007 at 08:52 am
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I ended up watching 90 mins or so of this towards the end and it was excruciating. Your account seems fairly accurate, although I thought Seinfeld was hilarious. And I thought Ellen's bits were glaringly forced, overdone and unfunny -- She's vacuuming, and <i>she's the host!</i> bwa ha ha ha! -- a sure sign that Bruce Vilanch was indeed brought back into the writing team this year. The shadow screen people will never work again, and Helen Mirren will never stop regretting the "I give you the Queen" line.
OJ / February 26, 2007 at 09:59 am
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Man, 6 hours of Oscars! That's dedication. I caught the last couple of hours and had to resort to changing the channel for brief interludes to keep my sanity. I vote for Clooney to host next year.
Hannah / February 26, 2007 at 11:34 am
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Do you think Will Smith's ears were searching the air waves for alien transmissions? I had never noticed them before...maybe his assistant quit too?
Cait / February 26, 2007 at 12:47 pm
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I ended up watching about half the show, but I had my iPod on the whole time. Listened to "In the Aeroplane Over the Sea". It was kind of confusing listening to that over the visual of the number from Dreamgirls.
Zee / February 26, 2007 at 07:01 pm
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Well, I thought it was nice of Don Rickles to show up, although I don't know why people kept calling him Jack and panning to him everytime someone mentioned The Departed. As Omar said, Ferrell and the two Jacks were the only bright lights in a long, dull, dreary Oscars - possibly the worst show I've ever seen. Where was the glamour? Where were the movie stars? Nobody watches the Oscars for pretentious performance art - look we're a shoe! Fuck off! It took three and a half hours to get to the death reel - an Oscar staple, and they skipped Irving Thalberg altogether. And why in God's name are the Oscars recognizing people for their "humanitarianism"? They really tried to be "different" this year, and the experiment failed miserably. Nobody watches to better understand the "craft" of filmmaking you stupid morons. We just want to see the clothes, who looks too tight in the face, too fat in the ass, and who is gonna slur all the way through the acceptance speech. I used to like Ellen De Generes, but she was not good. It's sad when you find yourself wondering where's Whoopi? How they managed to have no movie clips, no movie stars, and only a couple of speeches in English, and yet go an hour overtime is beyond me. Big fat waste of a free night (although I did win $30 in an Oscar pool).
Tom Alexander / February 27, 2007 at 11:57 am
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OK first of all:
- "Big News: The Oscars Suck"? Gee bug suprise. Criticizing the Oscars is beyond shooting fish in a barrel -- obviously they are always bad. What's the point if you're not going to go with it a little bit? Why bother?
- I agree with Zee -- the whole "screenwriting" bit was just lame-o. Gee look -- words!
- I liked the shadow dancers, at least they were a little different and surprising. What the hell do you people want, Rob Lowe singing with Snow White?
- George Lucas looks like he has a tumourous growth of frog-flesh hanging under his beard. And Coppola is not evil (oh wait...Jack. The Rainmaker. I take it back). But for Chrissakes, they've all been friends for almost 40 years!! I thought it was semi-touching, though Scorsese's groveling to get the Oscar reached Spielbergian proportions.
- I thought Ellen was good. Not great, but good. Again -- what the hell do you people expect? It's the Oscar's. Lower your expectations. As far as I am concerned, with the Oscars, if it doesn't completely suck ass, it's good. And Ellen did not completely suck ass (though she is no Carson or Crystal).
- for the first time in a long time, I agreed with most of the choices (though I lost the Oscar pool -- I thought Babel would win Best Pic). I loved The Departed, loved Lives of Others, loved Little Miss Sunshine.
- and I love Helen Mirren, in every way that a man can love a woman. So Omar/Jack/Will/John, you are not alone. but I was hot for Helen back in her Prime Suspect days, so you are all just copying me, as usual.
- biggest problem was it was waaaay too long, thanks to overlong useless montages, and that annoying guy with the grey hair who popped up before commercials for no reason. He should have been fed to the Lucas/frog monster. With a Ryan Seacrest chaser.
- other big problem was no interesting fashion faux pas. I agree with Asmaa's assessment of that Preston Scientology whore.
- otherwise I agree with everything else from the peanut gallery.
azed / February 27, 2007 at 12:21 pm
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you just made a video for a cruise ship? What the hell? How can I listen to man so devoid of values trash the Oscars?

While I agree with your assessment of Helen Mirron's still sexy figure, I do think she would take offence at the term "cans". it's a slang term that I've always found instantly removes every ounce of senuality from this otherwise very seductive body part. Also, you have nice 'cans', too, Omar.

Your review of the Oscars was hilarious and depressing. Hilarious because your play-by-play format allows us to enjoy your witty perceptions. Depressing because we get too close to your domestic nightmare life.


Also, why did that cinematagrapher from Pan's Labrytnh start talking about artisitic vision and shit and then as soon as the music cue began just spewed out at the speed of light, "yeah and..thanks to my family". That must make them feel special.

And Tom you are truly a gay man with a vagina for saying you enjoyed the shadow dancers. They were so gay even Harvy Fierstein said, "That's really gay".
Fab / February 27, 2007 at 01:19 pm
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All I gotta say: Thank God for PVR.
teabincibra / August 5, 2012 at 09:38 am
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Ponad coraz , brood swiadkiem niewypowiedziane , porcelana z boleslawca teraz i ponownie traumatyczne, imprezy informacyjne o Box. Wydaje sie, ze aktów przemocy i niedoborem dziennik jest unabating. Overseas wojny, biologiczne ekologiczne katastrofy, terroryzm, morderstwa, wypadki molestowania dzieci i lecznicze epidemie zalac nasze newscasts codziennie. Nie wspominajac juz o ponure fale ostatni Dyscyplina strzelanin.

Wszystko to przeszkadza on aranzacja wnetrz cennik do DLA nieszkodliwy swiecie dzieci. Rider, jak psychologów zupelny, dzieci sa jak gabki i absorbowac all , ze idzie on okolo im, jak niezwykle nie ogladajac wiadomosci telewizyjne naprawde wplywie je? meble polonia wroclaw Jak szczególnosci DLA osiagamy byc w monitorowaniu Przeplywy z wiadomosciami do sródladowych tanie loty wlochy i jak mozna je osiagniecia telewizja za darmo online podejscie, które dziala?

Do odpowiedzi najwazniejsze wiadomosci z kraju na te pytania, pochylone do panelu doswiadczony kotwice, Peter Jennings, Maria Shriver, Linda Ellerbee i Jane Pauley - kazdy ma w obliczu Zlozonosc podnoszenie ich wlasna podatny brood w swiecie news-nasycony.

Wyobraz sobie: 18:30 Za wyczerpujacym dniu kalendarzowym w biurze, mama jest aktywna co obiad. Ona parki jej 9-córke i 5-letni syn w przeoczyc w telewizorze.
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