Big News: The Oscars Suck (A Running Log)
With additional reporting from Asmaa Malik
Yes it is a tad predictable to write a log full of bitchy comments about the Oscars. Like shooting fish in barrel, but how else was I going to get through them this year, huh? My wife, MP contributor Asmaa, and I share our vitriol and loathing with all of you, our loyal readers. Here's the pain.
I was already feeling a bit nauseous as I sat on the sofa to take in the pre-Oscar show. When I saw that one of the hosts was Ryan Seacrest, who continually refers to himself in the third person like a mental patient, my nausea increased. For once, I felt no envy as I saw him descend upon the dazed celebrities.
Portia De Rossi is one funny lesbian, and has a bad girl quality. So droolingly hot....purrrrr...Another reason to hate Ellen DeGeneres.
People still want to talk to John Singleton?
Uh, oh. I'm bracing myself for hearing pity speeches about how Martin Scorsese deserves an Oscar, and even worse, we'll seen have to see Scorsese himself grovelling like Peter Lorre in Casablanca "reeeek, reeek, please give me an Oscar!"
Wow! Helen Mirren still has some pretty nice looking cans. Yes, I know she's over sixty. I SAID I KNOW.
The Jennifer Lopez, Marc Anthony and Seacrest cocktail continue to induce further nausea, I'm downing half a bottle of Tums.
According to Asmaa, Kelly Preston in a leopard print dress 'looks like a used piece of jet trash.'
And another Asmaa gem - 'Cameron Diaz is channelling The Mummy.' Ouch.
We switch over to Barbara Walters, who, frankly, is dressed like a little slutty for my taste. She also looks animatronic.
Ellen is likable, but should have smacked Barbara across the face when she asked 'what would you say to God now' Why do people think Barbara Walters is a good interviewer, why?
Jennifer Hudson's vocal histrionics have busted my left speaker. Please make the swooping diva vocal gymnastics stop! Asmaa disagrees and says she has a perfect voice. I call Asmaa a gaylord. A fight ensues.
Barbara Walters has a truly scary power. She asks people to do embarrassing things and they do it. She makes Jennifer Hudson sing in her chair. Why don't people just say no to her. Remember when she made Will Smith rreestyle? Hmmm, actually we should be paying money to her making him do that...
Did I mention that Helen Mirren has nice cans? She also gets kudos for criticizing America's love of shorts. Nice one, Helen.
Why is she married to the worst director in the history of all mankind Taylor HACK-ford (must have a big dick). Wait, a minute, didn't Taylor Hackford direct The Devil's Advocate, hmmm, maybe he's not so bad after all...
Eddie Murphy looks cool and relaxed. "The Nutty Professor works on so many levels." What the fuck is he talking about, is he on crack?
Despite my desire to trash Eddie Murphy, he seemed funny and genuine and thoughtful, though I did want to dab his face with a wet cloth.
Asmaa starts crying at the promo for Oprah's South African School for Girls specials, did I mention that she's a gaylord. A fight ensues.
The awards begin with another witty Errol Morris piece. Why, oh why can't they let him direct the entire show?
Host Ellen DeGeneres arrives, and the results are - meh.
Why does Martin Scorsese look constipated? Oh yeah, because he'll disembowel himself if he can somehow get an Oscar...he looks ready to start gnawing off Mark Wahlberg's shoulder in order to clamour to the stage and start stuffing his pants with Oscar statuettes.
Pan's Labyrinth is winning all the boring awards. I'm sure they are going to have a wild party tonight.
Will Ferrell, Jack Black and John C. Reilly - thank you. Thanks for the funny. And I also feel vindicated for all those cracks about Helen Mirren's ta-ta's.
Kid actors are creepy...creepy...little people who may turn you into a giant jack-in-the-box, I think as the kid from Little Miss Sunshine and the kid from Pursuit of Happyness act coy and cute. Cute Overload anyone?
BTW, Jack Nicholson has become Dr. Evil.
Ah at last a good award. Best Actor. Asmaa and I predict Eddie Murphy...but Asmaa wonders if Alan Arkin might be a surprise win. Lo and behold Arkin wins, and then Asmaa tries to take credit. A fight ensues.
Alan Arkin speech - BORING!! Eddie would have been much better - why don't people vote for the person who would have been more entertaining to see win - huh? It's certainly not about talent...
If I end up in hell, what torture would I have to endure for eternity - having to endure the Populus shadow dancers or Randy Newman and James Taylor singing the song from CARS...
BTW, Melissa Etheridge is looking a lot like Sharon Gless.
Leonardo DiCaprio and Al Gore announce that the Oscar's have gone green. That makes about as much sense as 7-UP going all natural.
BTW, Al Gore has really become a side of beef with teeth.
Holy shit, why haven't they given out any more good awards yet? Asmaa and I are so bored, we just put new sheets on our bed. I just offered to do the dishes. I'm not joking.
Best foreign film goes to Germany's The Lives of Others. I heard it was good. I don't know. I'm tired. Yawn.
George Clooney is such a charming bastard. While I normally hate him, he is finally moving the show along. Best female supporting. Our bet is on Jennifer Hudson. We shoot we score. No surprises.
Poor Abigail Breslin, despite being creepy she would have been an entertaining speech. Instead we get the usual thanking of God, twice - how original. Jennifer, if Simon Cowell was here he'd say "you need more tears, more God talk and more quivering. That was absolutely terrible."
Gail Garcia Bernal has the devil's smile. He's dreamy.
Best documentary goes to some movie from China...Yeah, I'm sure it's good but I didn't see it. I don't know, I'm tired. Yawn.
Jerry Seinfeld arrives. Wow, that Seinfeld schtick really dates. Faintly amusing. Please, please, please bring back Jack Black and Will Ferrell.
Another easy prediction. An Inconvenient Truth has won.
Asmaa says, that Al Gore looks like John Travolta, I say she's crazy. She says I look like John Travolta and I tell her she's really crazy. A fight ensues.
Lifetime achievement goes to Ennio Morricone, which pleases me immensely until Celine Dion is asked to sing one of his compositions which makes me reach for the Tums again. Morricone looks like he's been stricken by lightning while Celine sings.
He gives a nice passionate speech in Italian which Clint Eastwood, who seems to have lost the ability to speak coherently, translates.
After Ennio's speech, Asmaa says "he's sweet." Yes he is, Asmaa, yes he is.
What the fuck, give out some real awards...arghhhh....I'll kill you, i'll kill you all.
My favourite moment up giving the best original screenplay award to Little Miss Sunshine is the announcer's fun fact that screenwriter Michael Arnt quit his job as Mathew Broderick's assistant. I bet Mathew Broderick wishes he was nicer now, as he dons another ridiculous costume to play Inspector Gadget II.
Stuck in a medley of songs from Showgirls. Asmaa and I want to throw in the towel...a deep seething silence has engulfed the room. I feel empty and weak, like i've overdosed on Mallomars.
Will Smith's ears. Nuff said.
One of my idols Thelma Schoonmaker just won best editing. Classy dame. Scorsese is in tears...OK, maybe I shouldn't been so hard on the guy. He did make a dozen of the most brilliant films. I just made a promotional video for a cruise ship.
Sniff. Bruno Kirby, Don Knotts, Darren McGaven, Sven Nykvist, Scotty from Star Trek, Peter Boyle, Jack Warden, and Robert Altman...Rest in Peace.
Philip Seymour Hoffman is onstage presenting the Best Female Actress award. He looks a little like Beethoven...the dog. (Asmaa's line, folks). Yeah yeah, Helen Mirren won, gave an OK speech, still has nice cans.
Best actor award. Peter O'Toole has the best voice ever, c'mon give him the award you bunch of A-holes. Since you give awards to people long after they've done their award deserving role, just give it to the poor bastard already.
Nope. The award goes to Forest Whittaker. Oh hey! Forest Whittaker is giving one of those crazy Tom Hanks speeches. Alright!
The most evil men in the history of mankind come out on stage.
Best director award given by Coppola, Spielberg and Lucas. Martin Scorsese finally gets his moment. Maybe now he can go back to making great films again. Scorsese practically has an aneurysm with his zealousness over winning. He talks so fast, his voice starts to sound like Mickey Mouse.
Asmaa says Diane Keaton has the best dress of the evening - I guess so, what the hell do I know. I just liked Helen Mirren's cans.
The Departed wins best picture. Yeah yeah yeah ... only someone living under a rock would have been surprised by anything in this year's Oscars.
Sorry folks, but The Departed didn't deserve to win. It's B- Scorsese at best.
In the end:
Alan Arkin should've won for Glengarry Glen Ross.
Peter O'Toole should have won for something.
Martin Scorsese should have won for Raging Bull, not The Departed.
Eddie Murphy should've won for My Girl Wants to Party All the Time.
And that was this year's Oscars. Goodnight. Zzzzzz.