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Food

A Hitchhiker's Guide To Jalapeno Poppers

Posted by Dave / September 21, 2006

Jalapeno.jpgRecipes are for suckers. This is a bit of a rule I've had in my head for a long time, probably given to me by my father. A list of suggested ingredients is appreciated, but instructions on what to do with them are usually glossed over. As though I was sitting before a slide show of a family vacation I cared nothing about.

This changed September 15th, when Poppers Night 06 and my mouth came together and brought some of the worst pain I have ever experienced without breaking skin.

The batter was prepared, starting off with the original suggested ingredients, but quickly moving onto crushed Chili & Lime Kettle Chips and Fake Bacon Bits. So far so good. Next we move on to the "stuffing", which on it's own I now recognized as an incredible dip for just about anything.

The Jalapenos had their innards removed and were stuffed with.....well....stuffing. The Fat was heated to the hottest the fryer would allow. The peppers were dipped in egg, rolled in batter, dipped in egg and a second visit to the batter. The moment it hit the fat, joy filled the room. A sight and sound to behold.

10 minutes later, we were sitting in the living room, just staring at our accomplishment, excited for the first bite. This is probably the time when should I point out what we skipped. We did not, as was suggested in the recipe, broil the peppers for 10 minutes in the oven. Apparently, this cuts out much of the spice of the pepper, making them what normal people call "eatable". Tim takes the first bite and immediately lets out a loud scream of "hot"! I, being a gentleman, burst out laughing. Thinking it couldn't be THAT bad (heck, people eat poppers all the time!) I took a bite. Has anyone ever given birth through their mouth? As I believe the pain would be equal to what I experienced. I may have kicked and punched the air. I drank a glass of Half & Half, being the only dairy I had, and after about 5 minutes I was able to stop swearing, sweating and almost crying.

But, we are men, so we didn't give up. We put the poppers, already deep fried, in the oven for 10 minutes. We each ate one, sad that we had taken out all spice, but at least we were able to eat the poppers. We each move on to our second of the batch. I'm not sure how this happened, but the first one we each ate from the oven was incredibly bland. Yet, the second was equally as hot as the original that almost killed us. But this time, we had taken larger bites. Return to the kitchen. Drink cream. Drink soy milk. Sweat. Swear. Jump. Eat bread. Laugh. Cry.

It is at this point that we give up on poppers. We move on to deep fried Mars bars. Still one of the greatest things invented by man kind. We eat a total of about 20, and thus ends Poppers Night 2006.

Discussion

11 Comments

Sara / September 21, 2006 at 09:27 pm
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ohhh man. this shit gets funnier and i lose a little more respect for you every time i read it. also, although they look pretty much like fried turds, i can attest that your mars bars are the bomb.
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