You've walked by it on Duluth, but you've never gone in. Cafe Central always looks full. Overflowing. There are always at least two or three heavyset old men standing around the entrance, eyeing passers-by. If you're young and female, they might tip a greeting your way, but I'll tell you what--they don't step away from the door.

It is The Most Intimidating Cafe in Montreal. It makes you wonder what's going on in there.

I tried to check it out a week ago. Three steps in, I panicked. It's not an illusion; the WHOLE PLACE is packed with nothing but old men from the neighborhood, all enjoying a quick five-hour coffee away from their wives. When a girl walks in, unattended, every single beery eye swings her way. You wanna latté, miss? Sweet mother of mercy, NO.

But take my advice: if you're a women, (or just a particularly hip guy), pay off a homeless dude to escort you inside. Because Cafe Central, it turns out, is a Citadel of Awesome.

Reasons:

1) The espresso is HOT and cheap. A take-out cup will keep you toasty for twenty minutes, but it only takes a minute or two for it to drop to sipping temperature. Hell, if you're just going to gulp it, Tim Horton's is down the street.
2) Deliciousness. I swear, my latté was like buttered popcorn on a slab of crushed cacao beans.
3) Formica. This is a new rule of coffee-related sincerity, as demonstrated by both Caffe Italia and Cafe Central, both beacons for old men who CLEARLY KNOW THEIR SHIT. If there isn't lots and lots of formica, their priorities are wrong.
4) You always get the window seat. Window seats, at Cafe Central, only mean two things: potential eye contact with wives, and increased distance from the TVs.
5) Do you hate everyone you know? Of course you do! You will not see them at Cafe Central.
6) No matter what I say, no matter how good it sounds, the beery old men will scare you away too. Cafe Central will never become a hipster hangout. I'm pretty sure they'd spank us and send us home before they'd let the kids overrun the joint. It's a place you will enter quietly, and you WILL leave quietly, and you will be GRATEFUL.

Cafe Central doesn't care if you can find it.

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