Now that you know your poutine history you're ready to take the messy plunge into the best poutine that Montreal has to offer.

But there are so many options that we're going to break it down into levels. I'm a big advocate of making your own poutine, but there's nothing quite like being handed a plastic take-out container or a big plate of double-fried frites, local cheese curds, and mysterious brown sauce no matter what your level of intoxication:
Best Poutine When You're Sober: Ma'amm Bolduc

Downside: They're not open late - only until 10pm daily. Upside: The packaged gravy is enhanced with beef and wine, their cheese usually squeaks (though not always), and the gravy is generally hot enough. To hedge your bets, go for the beef bourgignonne so that you get the added flavour from the beef fat and the wine soaking into the mushrooms.
Best Poutine When You're A Little Less Sober: Lafleur in Verdun

Poutine Lafleur uses a chicken-based gravy mix. It's the perfect balance between fast-food junk and authentic poutine epiphany. The sauce is thick and the cheese is curd-y. For $4 you get what you pay for, plastic container and all.

Best Poutine When You're on a Date (Sober. Don't know why you would do this, but don't argue with the categories): Chuck Hughes' Garde-Mangez Lobster Poutine

He just won Iron Chef with this dish. He has 624 reviews on a basic google search...I think that means he's a big deal or something. Best line of the CBC article on his victory: "I cut an unbelievable amount of potatoes," he says, referring to working his way up the culinary ladder. So Montrealers can be proud of this guy. We love potatoes.

I guess the hordes of teenage girls left him alone long enough for him to swear in French on Iron Chef and beat Bobby Flay. Even Susur Lee didn't do that -- the French or the winning.

You're probably saying, "Who the **** is Susur Lee?" He's a big deal in Toronto and less of a big deal in New York. So now it'll be even harder to get a reservation at Hughes' comfort food spot in the Old Port.

Best Poutine Date When You're on a Date (Drunk): Patati Patata

It's cheap, it's casual...and did I mention it's cheap? No point getting in a fight by not offering to pay when the poutine costs this little. Screw fois gras at Au Pied de Cochon. A creamy bechamel sauce? Why would you put that on fries? At Patati Patata the gravy mix is enhanced with white wine and chicken stock. And if the date doesn't suck and you really don't want it to end you can even opt for a bowl of borscht. Romantic, right??Fois Gras Poutine at Au Pied de Cochon

Best Quality Poutine Overall for the Money: Au Pied de Cochon

The fois gras creamy bastardization of poutine is $23 but the regular poutine is only $7 and it's big enough to share. $7 is less than most of the poutine options at La Banquise!!! But you can't exactly waltz in here for poutine at 3am, so plan your reservation and early evening drinking appropriately if your poutine experience requires a certain level of intoxication.

Best Poutine When You're not Sure if You'll Wake up the Next Day: There are nights when you really shouldn't be going out anywhere in your current state, but you really need something carb-y to dilute the contents of your stomach.

There are, conveniently, these flyers that you get in the mail every month that come in the little bags that get hung from your mailbox and are generally called junkmail, and they're filled with all the cheap take-out menus in your area. They're glossy and you're supposed to keep them with your phone book that you never use either.

Miracle of miracles, they're filled with all the junk poutine your little heart could desire, AND these poutines come in combos with deli subs, hot meatballs subs, slices of pizza, lasagna that was definitely not made by nonna, and free delivery. If you threw yours out this week and can't wait until the next delivery, try figuring out how to use your dusty phonebook (or internet - see below) to call the Green Spot or New System BBQ for delivery. These places will sell you classic, standard poutines that you'll believe are the best things ever when inebriated. Probably you shouldn't have them when you're sober. Live in blissful ignorance.

Ma'amm Bolduc
4351 Ave De Lorimier
514-527-3884
Hours: Daily until 10pm, usually starting around 7:30am, 8am, or 9am and serving a full breakfast, but why would you come here for an omelette?

Photos from TMAB2003, Kimberley Blue, Coreyu, Monkeyseemonkeypoo, and Mayamonster on the Midnight Poutine flickr pool.