Congratulations. If you're still reading, it means you have made it through 3 whole days of my tyrannous oppression which I exacted upon you during this, the post-Jeremy regime. If you don't know what I'm talking about, check out How to Treat Your Man and How to Treat Your Woman for Valentine's Day Montreal 2011. Also please keep sending in your best valentine's day stories/tips/questions, which will all be featured anonymously next Monday.

I have no doubt this post will be far more popular than the other two. Why? Because secretly deep down inside we all dream of being single. Yeah, security of a stable relationship is nice, but curiosity is human nature and we thrive to explore the unknown of being single. In some cases, the unknown of being single results in a freakish 11-month long drought right after you move to a new city (say, Montreal). Not that I know from experience or anything... pfffff common, I am the pimp king! Just look at my modeling photo:

You can never un-see that photo. And yes, that is Baltimore.
Moving along...

Being single on Valentine's Day is pretty tough. Your relationship friends will bitch about what they are doing/aren't doing for it, and your single friends will likely try to organize some sort of anti-valentine's party, usually reserved for women who constantly complain about being single, thus perpetuating their solidarity.

Fear not, you have other options! Here are some tips on how to cope with being completely and utterly alone on a day designated for celebrating what you don't have:

WHAT ELSE YOU CAN DO:

8th Annual ANTI-VALENTINE'S DAY PARTY
Remember that time I told you anti Valentine's day things were lame? Well that was until we received this press release in our inbox:

The Co-op Bookstore will hold its eighth annual Anti- Valentine's Day Event on Friday, February 11th starting at 7:30 p.m. The event will be held at the Co-op Bookstore, located at 2150 Bishop, and will feature musical performances by Reversing Falls and Lindenbergh Line; a salacious reading by local writer Mark Ambrose Harris, as well as intimate poetry by Guillaume Morissette. And a first for the Co-op Bookstore, a Burlesque performance by Montreal's own Velma Candyass. Always wanting to be a part of the fun, Larissa "Lit Pimp" Dutil will once again make everyone feel awkward with her F'd comedy stylings. Smutty visuals & artwork by local scenesters will be projected throughout the evening. Here's the Facebook site for it.

Watch that movie you've been putting off watching
Little bit of wine. Some green. A trip to la Boite Noire to rent that film everyone's been talking about. This way, the next day when people ask you about Valentine's Day, you can answer by talking about said movie. I recommend Exit Through The Gift Shop, Kick-Ass, or CatFish. Actaully, CatFish made me want to quit the internet and dating forever. It also made me more uncomfortable than I ever thought possible while watching a movie. Movies I strongly advise against: anything documentaries starring Joaquin Phoenix. I'm Still Here was the biggest waste of 13 minutes ever.

Put in some extra hours at work
This might sound pathetic, but it actually makes a lot of sense. If you have no special plans for Valentine's day, and considering that this year it falls on a Monday, it could be a good opportunity to get some extra work out of the way. This will relieve your overall stress and provide for a better week and weekend.

Create the Montreal equivalent of StreetViewBabes
Best. New. Tumblr. Ever. The commentary is amazing. Thanks to Andrew in Toronto for making this and also posting it on his Facebook. This could really work in Montreal! What with all the eurotrash... I wish the google street view of Prince-Arthur/St Laurent had been shot at 3am on a Saturday.

Speed Dating at The Belmont
I went in October (as previously mentioned). It was wonderful. I think there is actually one being organized this Saturday! You'll have to google it because I don't care about your single-ness THAT much.

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WHAT TO AVOID:

Going For a walk on Mont-Royal
No. Shut up. This seems to be the over-obvious choice for what people do in Montreal do when they need to "think". It's silly though, because you'll just get lonely and think about it even more. Then you'll see all the couples having fun paying $8 each to go down the shitty hill on tubes at Beaver Lake and cry a little. Next stop: The Jacques-Cartier Bridge.

Going on a First Date at L'Académie
Stupid. Again. You'll end up talking about Valentine's Day and all the good/bad ones you've had, and it's pretty much the biggest turn off ever. Save the BYOB (and gourmet food provided at a student-made price) for another night.

Seeing The Dears in concert
Yes, yes, we all support music and whatever, but going to a show (especially by yourself) is sad every day of the year, not just Valentine's day. They play at a special early time of 6pm.

Hanging out with your ex
I call sleeping with your ex the act of "repeat offending", in the sense that you are committing a capital offense and you know it's wrong the whole time you're doing it (yet do it anyway). I think most of us have been guilty of this at some point or another (or all the time), but there is a science behind it. If you are alone, you will likely yearn for the last person who made you feel all warm down there, and this person is usually the ex you just hate so fucking much. It won't feel good. Don't do it.

Calling your parents
Oh look at that you've got some extra time tonight, might as well give Mom & Dad a call (or two separate calls in today's divorce riddled world), right? WRONG. Nothing is more annoying than when your parents think you're lonely, especially when they have BBM like my mom does. Calling them will only further their notion of how badly you have failed at bringing home grandchildren.

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Bah, I wanted this list to be more Montreal-centric, but apparently there isn't much going on here for single people. Maybe I should host a party. Yes, and we'll all watch Catfish together and revel in how meta it is that we are watching a movie about strangers meeting online with strangers we met online. GENIUS.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's article on How to Meet People in Montreal and the Best Dating Sites to try out.

And follow me on Twitter! @lgdoucet.

Photo courtesy of the Forever Alone meme